stuck in quicksand feeling.

I have not waited for anything this bad. The reason being, I leave it to the time to decide. But, now, I could not. I just could not. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, even on this post. I spilled my tea in the morning… And broke the beautiful cup in the office, then I dropped my mobile on the floor and saw it shatter in to pieces one in all the directions. There are about 7 odd mails which need my response; I want to, alas, I could not even make sense of what is written on them. Let alone replying! I wish the earth could just split open and take only me inside.  The feeling in the stomach, indescribable! It’s like standing on edge of the wall, not having anything to hold, the ground beneath your feet giving away, and all not working out at all. I am scared to death. I am pale; I just saw my face in the mirror. It’s the first time ever in my life I am losing control of myself. I just want a remote with SKIP, ERASE, FORWARD and then PLAY on it. I never want to face another day like this ever again in my life. I need help, I need MIRACLE desperately! 

What do I mean?

I am responsible for everything I say, but how can I be held for some assumptions that arise out of what I say? When I say ‘I MEAN’ and the other understand that as ‘I am Mean’ which translates as “she is mean” when she tells some one else? How am I supposed to be answerable?? I write to lament, I write for the freedom it provides to vent out my feelings, I feel clotted when I don’t and I hate that feeling, I write when I am happy, sad, rude, disappointed. The sole purpose of this page is let out my feelings, my hurt, my happiness, and my tears but other than that I am not responsible for the way people feel when they read it? I mean that does not make any effing sense!! As a person I am very very conscious of what people think about me, well…. I would say that every one is! I used to think twice even before wearing loud colors. Its not the same now, I’ve changed and it is for good. If I am hurt; either if I say its because of someone’s behavior, or my misunderstanding of their actions, I AM HURT period, there is not other way I could feel about it, and then I write, I spit it out, it is momentary, its like till you feel the pain and then it fades away, but the memories remain, the wound leaves a scar. How much ever you try to forget you can’t.

I am very rude in writing; I’ve seen it, something which I would change in the coming posts. Nevertheless, I have the reason to be so! Moreover I can’t be explaining it to everyone, WTF? IF you are not able to rationalize things in your head about certain things weather it is good or not, I cannot help it. You bloody can’t hold me responsible for that!! I would say… holding me guilty for something like this is absolutely baseless and idiotic. Can I assume that you are taking it to your convenience to hold it against me (makes me think that you were just waiting for a reason)???

Not to worry, I have grown, from a girl to an adult; I am strong to handle stuff. I will cry but when I am done, I rub my cheek and take my chin high and walk in front of people intact! But it would be YOU who would end up feeling nonsense about something completely silly! I would want to help, but I am sorry I so can’t

My Month, My Man…

It is my month, the month which made ‘butterflies flutter’ in my stomach. It’s been two years since I am married, oh My God!! Yes its jus two years but I am already using ‘those days’ in most of my conversations!! Gasp!

At this moment there is a LOT happening in my life, two of the most important men in my life are not well and active. Life as it is seems so hopeless!

Nevertheless, this month deserves some happy, feel good post.

As most of the people know, mine is a love.arranged.marraige thing and it went really well than expected. After some 600 odd days, I sit back and think! What is that I and SM have in common?? The answer is …well nothing. Some one told me that we had chemistry! Am dead sure that they saw some fumes coming out of my ears and got mixed up!

The days with him are filled with mere arguing sessions, Oh boy talk about his linguistic skills, it kills you! We argue about everything, right from the finances to the speed of the fan and the temperature of the AC or to the level of salt in the sabzi and the number of glasses of water I drink, last but not the least, how it is gross to brush teeth while having a bath!(???). (I have argued with SM about how one brand of ‘mustard’ is more yellow in color than the other). After all these days I learnt that we thrive on this argument. We grew as two individuals who knew how to accept each others differences, I am not being poetic; he annoys the crap out of me, he still does! He has the flair of getting on my nerve, but then I understood that this is the thing that keeps us going. These arguments are the chemistry that brings us together. After all the heated up conversations, it is a bliss to exchange smiles that says “I don’t judge you at all, you are still my everything”! He has some one to argue with and I have some to appose with, I mean isn’t that the bare essential of life? To have someone to lose all your inhibition with!? You have this person who would listen (at least would look like so) to anything you would have to rant and lament. Ah!!

All these days, I’ve been a fool thinking that there are these perfect people as “wife & husbands”, she looks and he nods, he ends the sentence with a word and she starts with the same, they wear same color of clothes (!!??), same books! (While I read, ‘you are here’ by eM, he is reading ‘The Brief History of Time by Stephan Hawkins), it rings, there are no such humans. Even if they do exist, I don’t know how much life it would have, they are so typical and melodramatic, how boring could life get? Even your grocery list is so boring; it would have only one brand of toothpaste!!!

Words like ‘Divorce’ ‘wrong decision’ ‘stupid mistake’ have been used many a times in these days! But Damn ME, where would I go? What would I do without THIS Man who listens to my rubbish theory of how ‘Pepsodent’ is much better than that old bleached ‘Colgate’?!

Happy Anniversary Baby, I can’t imagine my life without listening to your argumentatively right conversations! (This no way means that I am going to lower the speed of FAN tonight).

Am Sinking..

The feeling is evident, It feels so real, some one trying to push you down, deep inside the water where you struggle to breath, trying to push yourself up. The water gushes into your nostrils and mouth, you keep spitting them out; but for how long? Till the water reaches your head?? and you start to black out, you no more feel your own body, you don’t even know if you had one. you feel like something is pulling you from beneath, you dint know that its your own legs your are not able to balance… your eyelids close, It’s BLACK everywhere. Somewhere deep within you hear voices, you hear them say something, something; but all your hear are noises. Then there is silence, its like you have never know before. For the first ever time the silence is so scary; unpleasant and horrifying. Then THE END.

If he can buy that, I can buy this.

It’s a free country right? At least I thought so! Well, you will feel this way if you had gone to a super market to buy cigarettes. It’s because that SM is not able to move freely and is sitting in one position all day; the man is getting mighty bored. He does not have anything to do. Read, Eat, Sleep, Watch and then Watch.

I promise to excite him, the only thing I could do as of now is to buy him sticks, he has not had one in a fortnight and THAT is a record. I got to a Super Market; pick a pack of Kings and then few more stuff. I do so and reach the billing counter. Much to my surprise I realize that a LOT of people giving me the looks… not to blame them… I can explain. A almost plain looking, sindoor bearing, salwar wearing women, mid 20’s at about 12.00 noon, is not expected to buy KINGS, 20’s pack, along with a bunch of groceries! Can I?? I can’t; that’s what there looks suggested.

Listen people I DO NOT smoke relatively! I don’t need to carry around that box with me.

And, I don’t have the need to explain my self to you all. I am helping my love, trying to do something for the depressed one at home. DO you understand my LOVE? Nope..

Ok let me rationalize, I still think that it is really very sexy of a man to do a lingerie shopping with his Girl Friend or his Wife or whomsoever.

I think, it is too sweet and too understanding of a brother, or a father or a husband to buy their PMS stuck women a pack of those.little.things.with.wings.

IF ALL these makes sense; why not a bloody stick???

A non-smoking, ordinary looking, women CAN buy a 20’s pack for her not so moving husband. It’s totally an ‘awwww’ thing.

These people need a life! Oh! Did I mention that I had a couple of ‘Heineken’ cans with me??